🏠 Go home.


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Well, it looks like life chose for me.

Caity got a full ride scholarship to a university in Vermont, and it seems like things between the two of us simply aren't made to happen, regardless of how we want it. We tried to see if we could make things happen, and every turn someone or something said "no, fuck you guys" in both the worst and best possible ways. She'll be gone half of summer, and I'll be gone the other half of it, and then she's gone to Vermont to go kick ass and take names.

I broke down today when I realized that things wouldn't work. Torn between what appears to be love, absolute happiness for her and sadness for as long as I have been, I finally broke.

Caity and I talked about a lot of things that night I blagged about last. We talked about ASU, and how much of a fuckup it all was. We talked about the past, shared stories, and just laid there, on her floor together. We also talked about, more importantly, how important our dreams are, and how similar the two of us really are. I knew how bad she wanted out, because I knew how bad I wanted out.

And her dreams came true. Unlike me, she had a viable, insured out from ASU and its mediocracy. I couldn't be more happy for her than I was when she told me, while at the same time, realizing that things between us would never be anything more than they are at that very moment. They'll be less of a stressy clusterfuck, and that in and of itself may make it worth it for the both of us. She's a great person, and a great friend, and I'm happy to be able to call her that.

Happiness. People spend their entire life searching for that one thing, never to find it. I hold it in the palm of my hand.

She's afraid I'll regret it though.

After all the stress and pain that we have been through this week, she's worried that I'll regret it. I won't regret it. I've met and intimately got to know one of the most amazing women that I've met in my memory. I learned that I could still love after all the pain and heartbreak I've gone through in the past, and that is the most important thing to me, even if I won't always be able to share it with this woman. Regret comes from a failure to learn from things, from mistakes, and instead let them eat at you and dwell on them. I don't regret what happened, at least to me. I regret the pain that I caused Caity this week, I regret the unnecessary stress I placed on her. But that's all the I regret, and I hope that she can forgive me for that. I tried to pull her away from all that, to make her happy, but all I did was help to make her birthday one of the shittiest days she's had in a while.

Unless something catastrophic happens, Caity will be gone this fall. Most likely she will be gone this summer. We may still go to DEFCON together, but with the string of things that has happened this week, nothing is certain, nothing can be certain. But I'm okay with that. She's chasing her dreams and doing what she wants to do. I'll have the guts to do that myself, soon enough.

It's good to be reminded that there are people in the world that are worth my time and love. Caity reminded me that there are some people that meet my expectations. I went three years without finding one, but they still exist. Not many, but as she says, one in a million leaves 729 more to find in the world.

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Ryan Rix is a privacy rights advocate and net-art wannabe. Reach them on the Fediverse as @rrix@cybre.space, twitter as @rrrrrrrix, via email to ryan@whatthefuck.computer or on Facebook or on Matrix as @rrix:whatthefuck.computer.